Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'm Bulletproof.

Bullets? don't kill people.
Finals Do.
but luckily for me...
I wore a bulletproof vest :) 

My sophomore year. Shall we have a review?

Getting dumped prooobably didn't help anything. I was a mess. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep. And I sure as hell couldn't focus in my classes. I literally had my entire life planned out with someone and then I got to watch the pieces crumble before me. I had to go to the doctor multiple times because of chest pain. I was literally having chest pains (probably becasue of all the crying I did,) But. You wanna know how they diagnosed it? 

I lost the best friend i'd ever had.

Looking back now, i'm glad it's over. I can officially say, i'm over it. i'm not over the pain, it hurts sometimes, I won't lie. I probably won't even completely forget it, BUT it's the most relieving thing ever to know that I have control of my own life now. My ex-fiance's family has no control over me now, and neither does he. I will never allow myself to be manipulated again. And p.s. I'm NOT the manipulator, I was the manipula-tee. and if there is any digression about that, I have a song that I can sing to you, about how awful it is being manipulated. It's my life. So don't try to control it, bee-otches.  

My sweet Grandmother also had a heart attack, so I lost two of my best friends. And when my Grandma died? The one person I wanted to be there for me, ran the other direction. 

What's up rock bottom. You're looking pretty low today. January and February were my ultimate lows. I recieved the news that I was failing Theory II (again) AND German. Sweet. I was always the smart girl in high school. Ok, maybe not unbelievably smart, but I definitely did NOT fail any classes! I was in and out of the hospital because of my anemic flare ups. I also got the lovely pleasure of having food poisoning and kidney/bladder infections. My mom was injured from having the Christmas tree fall on top of her. It eventually threw out her back and we got the news that she's have to have thorasic back surgery. The dangerous kind, where they open you up from the front, break off a rib, deflate your lung, move your insides over, and go THROUGH the ventricular wall of your heart to operate. 

Yeah, i'd really be looking forward to being cut open after I got that news. 


I'd never been so homesick in my life. I moved to an apartment where I didn't really feel comfortable. My roomate was awesome, don't get me wrong. I love her very much. But I was Constantly surrounded by coffee, alcohol, and things that were extremely poisonous to me. I cried myself to sleep fifteen days out of the month. I was counting, because I didn't think things could get much worse. I was loosing my testimony, questioning my faith, and had zero desire to do anything but sleep.


Things started looking up. It all started when my friend Philip, asked me to open a show for him. Suddenly, I had motivation. I started writing my music again, and I realized what I was missing out on. I realized how much I can express through my writing. As soon as I started writing, I felt better. I also started praying again, and realized how much the lord really does love me. 

I also rededicated myself to my singing in school AND my piano. I had neglected both of them, and just started to literally sing the hell out of things. I was going through hell, and realized the healing power that music has. Choir, saved my life. I know it may sound cliche, but the more I sang, the better I felt. Every day, I found myself excited to be in choir. Sometimes I would catch myself being moved by The Creation music and found myself wiping tears from my eyes. Bach was also no doubt inspired by God in my mind. The notes and the pieces that he formed together, are heaven like. Choir, literally. saved. my. life. It helped me stop feeling sorry for myself, which I think was the BIGGEST thing. (Luis would be proud.) It has changed me for the better.
I will always keep coming back to feel the magic that can be created in that inthermal, box elder bug infested room.    

I also want to give a shout out to Chopin and Beethoven. Beethoven allowed me to take out my anger with "The Tempest" until I didn't feel angry anymore. And Chopin made me realize that behind every nocturne and prelude, there is a beautiful love story waiting to be told. Sometimes the love stories are sad, but as I found out, that's how it goes :) I also realized the potential that I have as a pianist. I have rededicated myself to practicing, and Dr. Bond..I promise I will never neglect my practicing again. Why should I neglect it anyways, when all it does is reward me. 

Long story short, I moved out and  found the perfect place for me. I will soon be living with my bestfriend Aimee, who has made my life exciting and adventerous. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I got to a practice room. Here I am. Bearing the truth. It really works. 

And FINALLY. I don't know if this is the right man for me. I don't know if we're going to be together forever. But, Michael has changed my life for the better. I am tired of meeting a boy and claiming him to be "the one." so I won't anymore. For the moment, Michael completes me. He balances me out and keeps me sane. He motivates me, and I know that he cares. Having someone care, makes all the difference in the world.  Regardless of what happened, I have decided that he is a part of my fairytale. I don't know if he is the happy ending, or just some AWESOME person to help me along the way. I kinda have a thing for him I kinda hope he is ;) but he treats me right. He wants me to succeed. And that, right enough in my book. 

OH!! I am proud to announce that my mother survived her surgery, and is going just fine!

& thank you Brittany Nielson for reassuring me that I don't need to be married by the time i'm nineteen. I love you, Diva :)