Friday, November 11, 2011


how well you hide your pain.

I understand that the most beautiful rainbows...
come after the worst of storms. 

where is my rainbow?

I often wonder why God allows us to suffer so much. It almost seems unfair at times. I know he has a brilliant master plan up there somewhere, but I wish he'd just let me know that everything is gonna be okay.

what do I do:
when someone really important in your life, walks away instead of talks?
what do you do when she was your best friend?
and how the HELL do you deal with your best friend dating your ex boyfriend? and its not like he was just a "fling" either, or otherwise I wouldn't care.
This HURTS. How do I deal with this??? 
cause apparently I don't deal so well with it. 

how do I act:
when I'm so so so incredibly close to someone before his mission, and after the mission he throws me to the side of the road? what's worse than that, he won't even take the time of day to hear me out, even when I'd faithfully written him, sent him packages and spent so much time on my knees for him.  a simple "thank you so much. i'm so sorry you can't be in my life, cause you're such a terrible person." would have made me feel better than the silent treatment. how the heck do I deal with this? cause I REALLY have no clue.

how to I fix my heart:
when I suddenly realize that it's not my time to get married. I love david so much, and I really hope people understand that. There are so many reasons it wasn't gonna work out...and I had to do whats best for me. but how do I fix my heart when I keep stabbing it myself? How?

how do I sing:
when I don't want to sing? how do I play when I don't want to play? 
where has my spirit, drive, and deep passion for music gone?

when am I ever going to be good enough.

all these questions.
and the only answer is inside me.

but I don't even have the strength to find it.