Saturday, May 5, 2012

summer nights!

School is out for the Summer! 

I can't believe i've knocked out three years of college. THREE YEARS! that is quite a significant number for me...& I have to admit, i'm proud of myself. I knocked my junior standing out of the ballpark, which is such a big relief! 

I have some pretty cool jobs lined out for summer...for the first part of summer, I will be working for college pro painters...painting the interior of houses. it's a fulltime job, monday-thursday, so I will have friday-sunday off! perfect! :) then in July, I will be traveling to michigan to go to a blue lakes music camp with my little student. I'll be nannying her for three weeks. when we return from michigan, I will move into her house and be her full time music tutor for the last remaining month of summer! I am so excited! 

Next week, our choir will be going up to Helena, Montana to perform the Mahler 8th symphony. Talk about intense. Of all the major works I have ever performed, this is most definitely the most difficult. We have been working really hard since January, and it will be exciting to finally preform it! We will be worked super hard, but it will be so worth it. I get to stay with my sister and my brother-in-law, which is awesome, cause they are the best! Abi and Lakota are coming up with me, and I am excited to get to know them better:) My mom and dad are also coming, which means mothers day will be spent in Montana with the whole family! 

I'm also turning 21 at the end of this month! Kind of surreal, because it seems just like yesterday I was celebrating my Sweet 16! I am SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER! (that is...if it ever decides to warm up around here..)

Holla' if you're ready for some summer nights!      

Monday, April 9, 2012

Easter Blessings

This Easter, I am thankful for...

My Family. they always have my back. aunt and uncle mcvay included.
Foster Irwin. this fantastically positive & handsome missionary i've been writing.
Classical Music. this time Franz Liszt. Composers always teach me something.
The Gospel. it remains to be true. it continues to change me.
Friends. friends like Emily and Nathan. You know, the ones that won't even betray you.
Matt Nathanson. his music and lyrics continue to inspire me. oh, and his face :)
Being Single. thank God I dodged a bullet. 
Choir. keeps me sane.  
Being Busy. has also kept me grounded. 

Beautiful, Perfect, Easter Sundays...

like this: 

nuff' said.  

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


why yes, I AM working myself to death in school.
& i'm loving it. 
I am gonna be a rockstar.
one day, people will be singing my lyrics.

probably gonna try this to my hair.
both the cut & color!
 feeling adventurous!

l.o.v.e. this quote. what a wonderful attitude to have!
I have to admit, my attitude is the best its ever been.

Just a quick little update for you all:
I'm single.
I'm LOVING it.
I don't need a man to make me happy.
Married to my piano.
Loving on that.
Running every day. 
Looking and feeling so good.
Going to see Matt Nathanson next weekend :)
Just purchased this for the BIG DAY: 

I moved into a safe place with some awesome roomies!
I have the best dog in the WORLD.

He is clearly all I need for now.
For the first time ever, I'm completely content. 
As an almost 21 year old should be. 

Friday, December 16, 2011


follow your heart.
no matter what.
just be prepared....
that sometimes, 
your heart may be wrong...
& you're going to have to deal with it.
but listen to it.....always do.
because in the end,
it will bring you EXACTLY
where YOU
need to be."


Friday, November 11, 2011


how well you hide your pain.

I understand that the most beautiful rainbows...
come after the worst of storms. 

where is my rainbow?

I often wonder why God allows us to suffer so much. It almost seems unfair at times. I know he has a brilliant master plan up there somewhere, but I wish he'd just let me know that everything is gonna be okay.

what do I do:
when someone really important in your life, walks away instead of talks?
what do you do when she was your best friend?
and how the HELL do you deal with your best friend dating your ex boyfriend? and its not like he was just a "fling" either, or otherwise I wouldn't care.
This HURTS. How do I deal with this??? 
cause apparently I don't deal so well with it. 

how do I act:
when I'm so so so incredibly close to someone before his mission, and after the mission he throws me to the side of the road? what's worse than that, he won't even take the time of day to hear me out, even when I'd faithfully written him, sent him packages and spent so much time on my knees for him.  a simple "thank you so much. i'm so sorry you can't be in my life, cause you're such a terrible person." would have made me feel better than the silent treatment. how the heck do I deal with this? cause I REALLY have no clue.

how to I fix my heart:
when I suddenly realize that it's not my time to get married. I love david so much, and I really hope people understand that. There are so many reasons it wasn't gonna work out...and I had to do whats best for me. but how do I fix my heart when I keep stabbing it myself? How?

how do I sing:
when I don't want to sing? how do I play when I don't want to play? 
where has my spirit, drive, and deep passion for music gone?

when am I ever going to be good enough.

all these questions.
and the only answer is inside me.

but I don't even have the strength to find it.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Summer Review/Fall Preview.

you would all be here for 9 years if I told you everything about my summer....

pictures are worth 1,000 here are the pictures, and less words :) 

A- Aimee became my roomate. We had some epic times together. 

B- my beautiful friend helped me believe in myself, and talked me through some hard times. 

C- we chased ducks around the river for my big 20th birthday :)

D- did some absolutely crazy things with this kid right here...including flash mob, and epic bonfires.

E- attended my BEAUTIFUL sisters wedding. It was absolutely perfect!! 

F-frolicked through some fields with my dear friend megan...she came to play at the wedding with me! 

G- got to meet the mysterious joseph anderson #2 that I accidentally started writing. we met up at lagoon for an entire day. he's not as cool as joseph anderson #1, but what can ya do;)

H- had a GREAT time at cherry hill that same weekend....I love love love waterparks.

I- I lost some weight....(if you couldn't tell from the previous picture) ;)

J-leaned how to juggle. It's true. I now have a stupid human trick. so pleased with myself. 

K- contemplated killing myself on a daily basis when I got a job at Denny's. WORST. JOB. EVER. Good experience though. 

L- learned how to be happy on my own. And as soon as I did.....

M- I met the most amazing person in the entire world. Well to me anyways.... :)

N, M,- nobody in the world has ever meant this much to me.  

O.P.-  O.P. stands for the most amazing present David could have ever bought protector. Optimus Prime:)

P also stands for me pitching some tents and camping in a SWAMP with David's family...

Q & R- once fall approached, he asked the most important question he ever could have asked. 

s,t,u,v, w,x, Y- hahaha of course I skipped the rest of the alphabet and went right to Y....and said Yes. I'm engaged. :) We don't know a lot of details yet, but we do know that we are gonna be together...forever. 
this princess found her prince. :) and i'd say it's high time!!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'm Bulletproof.

Bullets? don't kill people.
Finals Do.
but luckily for me...
I wore a bulletproof vest :) 

My sophomore year. Shall we have a review?

Getting dumped prooobably didn't help anything. I was a mess. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep. And I sure as hell couldn't focus in my classes. I literally had my entire life planned out with someone and then I got to watch the pieces crumble before me. I had to go to the doctor multiple times because of chest pain. I was literally having chest pains (probably becasue of all the crying I did,) But. You wanna know how they diagnosed it? 

I lost the best friend i'd ever had.

Looking back now, i'm glad it's over. I can officially say, i'm over it. i'm not over the pain, it hurts sometimes, I won't lie. I probably won't even completely forget it, BUT it's the most relieving thing ever to know that I have control of my own life now. My ex-fiance's family has no control over me now, and neither does he. I will never allow myself to be manipulated again. And p.s. I'm NOT the manipulator, I was the manipula-tee. and if there is any digression about that, I have a song that I can sing to you, about how awful it is being manipulated. It's my life. So don't try to control it, bee-otches.  

My sweet Grandmother also had a heart attack, so I lost two of my best friends. And when my Grandma died? The one person I wanted to be there for me, ran the other direction. 

What's up rock bottom. You're looking pretty low today. January and February were my ultimate lows. I recieved the news that I was failing Theory II (again) AND German. Sweet. I was always the smart girl in high school. Ok, maybe not unbelievably smart, but I definitely did NOT fail any classes! I was in and out of the hospital because of my anemic flare ups. I also got the lovely pleasure of having food poisoning and kidney/bladder infections. My mom was injured from having the Christmas tree fall on top of her. It eventually threw out her back and we got the news that she's have to have thorasic back surgery. The dangerous kind, where they open you up from the front, break off a rib, deflate your lung, move your insides over, and go THROUGH the ventricular wall of your heart to operate. 

Yeah, i'd really be looking forward to being cut open after I got that news. 


I'd never been so homesick in my life. I moved to an apartment where I didn't really feel comfortable. My roomate was awesome, don't get me wrong. I love her very much. But I was Constantly surrounded by coffee, alcohol, and things that were extremely poisonous to me. I cried myself to sleep fifteen days out of the month. I was counting, because I didn't think things could get much worse. I was loosing my testimony, questioning my faith, and had zero desire to do anything but sleep.


Things started looking up. It all started when my friend Philip, asked me to open a show for him. Suddenly, I had motivation. I started writing my music again, and I realized what I was missing out on. I realized how much I can express through my writing. As soon as I started writing, I felt better. I also started praying again, and realized how much the lord really does love me. 

I also rededicated myself to my singing in school AND my piano. I had neglected both of them, and just started to literally sing the hell out of things. I was going through hell, and realized the healing power that music has. Choir, saved my life. I know it may sound cliche, but the more I sang, the better I felt. Every day, I found myself excited to be in choir. Sometimes I would catch myself being moved by The Creation music and found myself wiping tears from my eyes. Bach was also no doubt inspired by God in my mind. The notes and the pieces that he formed together, are heaven like. Choir, literally. saved. my. life. It helped me stop feeling sorry for myself, which I think was the BIGGEST thing. (Luis would be proud.) It has changed me for the better.
I will always keep coming back to feel the magic that can be created in that inthermal, box elder bug infested room.    

I also want to give a shout out to Chopin and Beethoven. Beethoven allowed me to take out my anger with "The Tempest" until I didn't feel angry anymore. And Chopin made me realize that behind every nocturne and prelude, there is a beautiful love story waiting to be told. Sometimes the love stories are sad, but as I found out, that's how it goes :) I also realized the potential that I have as a pianist. I have rededicated myself to practicing, and Dr. Bond..I promise I will never neglect my practicing again. Why should I neglect it anyways, when all it does is reward me. 

Long story short, I moved out and  found the perfect place for me. I will soon be living with my bestfriend Aimee, who has made my life exciting and adventerous. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I got to a practice room. Here I am. Bearing the truth. It really works. 

And FINALLY. I don't know if this is the right man for me. I don't know if we're going to be together forever. But, Michael has changed my life for the better. I am tired of meeting a boy and claiming him to be "the one." so I won't anymore. For the moment, Michael completes me. He balances me out and keeps me sane. He motivates me, and I know that he cares. Having someone care, makes all the difference in the world.  Regardless of what happened, I have decided that he is a part of my fairytale. I don't know if he is the happy ending, or just some AWESOME person to help me along the way. I kinda have a thing for him I kinda hope he is ;) but he treats me right. He wants me to succeed. And that, right enough in my book. 

OH!! I am proud to announce that my mother survived her surgery, and is going just fine!

& thank you Brittany Nielson for reassuring me that I don't need to be married by the time i'm nineteen. I love you, Diva :)