Truth....

"ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS,

follow your heart.

no matter what.

just be prepared....

that sometimes, 

your heart may be wrong...

& you're going to have to deal with it.

but listen to it.....always do.

because in the end,

it will bring you EXACTLY

where YOU

need to be."

-myself.

<3

questions.

strength:

how well you hide your pain.

I understand that the most beautiful rainbows...

come after the worst of storms. 

so.....

where is my rainbow?

I often wonder why God allows us to suffer so much. It almost seems unfair at times. I know he has a brilliant master plan up there somewhere, but I wish he'd just let me know that everything is gonna be okay.

what do I do:

when someone really important in your life, walks away instead of talks?

what do you do when she was your best friend?

and how the HELL do you deal with your best friend dating your ex boyfriend? and its not like he was just a "fling" either, or otherwise I wouldn't care.
This HURTS. How do I deal with this??? 
cause apparently I don't deal so well with it. 

how do I act:

when I'm so so so incredibly close to someone before his mission, and after the mission he throws me to the side of the road? what's worse than that, he won't even take the time of day to hear me out, even when I'd faithfully written him, sent him packages and spent so much time on my knees for him.  a simple "thank you so much. i'm so sorry you can't be in my life, cause you're such a terrible person." would have made me feel better than the silent treatment. how the heck do I deal with this? cause I REALLY have no clue.

how to I fix my heart:

when I suddenly realize that it's not my time to get married. I love david so much, and I really hope people understand that. There are so many reasons it wasn't gonna work out...and I had to do whats best for me. but how do I fix my heart when I keep stabbing it myself? How?

how do I sing:

when I don't want to sing? how do I play when I don't want to play? 

where has my spirit, drive, and deep passion for music gone?

when am I ever going to be good enough.

all these questions.

and the only answer is inside me.

but I don't even have the strength to find it.

  

Summer Review/Fall Preview.

you would all be here for 9 years if I told you everything about my summer....


pictures are worth 1,000 words.....so here are the pictures, and less words :) 


A- Aimee became my roomate. We had some epic times together. 

B- my beautiful friend helped me believe in myself, and talked me through some hard times. 

C- we chased ducks around the river for my big 20th birthday :)

D- did some absolutely crazy things with this kid right here...including flash mob, and epic bonfires.

E- attended my BEAUTIFUL sisters wedding. It was absolutely perfect!! 

F-frolicked through some fields with my dear friend megan...she came to play at the wedding with me! 

G- got to meet the mysterious joseph anderson #2 that I accidentally started writing. we met up at lagoon for an entire day. he's not as cool as joseph anderson #1, but what can ya do;)

H- had a GREAT time at cherry hill that same weekend....I love love love waterparks.

I- I lost some weight....(if you couldn't tell from the previous picture) ;)


J-leaned how to juggle. It's true. I now have a stupid human trick. so pleased with myself. 


K- contemplated killing myself on a daily basis when I got a job at Denny's. WORST. JOB. EVER. Good experience though. 


L- learned how to be happy on my own. And as soon as I did.....


M- I met the most amazing person in the entire world. Well to me anyways.... :)

N, M,- nobody in the world has ever meant this much to me.  


O.P.-  O.P. stands for the most amazing present David could have ever bought me...my protector. Optimus Prime:)

P also stands for me pitching some tents and camping in a SWAMP with David's family...

Q & R- once fall approached, he asked the most important question he ever could have asked. 

s,t,u,v, w,x, Y- hahaha of course I skipped the rest of the alphabet and went right to Y....and said Yes. I'm engaged. :) We don't know a lot of details yet, but we do know that we are gonna be together...forever. 
this princess found her prince. :) and i'd say it's high time!!

I'm Bulletproof.

Bullets? don't kill people.

Finals Do.

but luckily for me...

I wore a bulletproof vest :) 

My sophomore year. Shall we have a review?

September-December:  

Getting dumped prooobably didn't help anything. I was a mess. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep. And I sure as hell couldn't focus in my classes. I literally had my entire life planned out with someone and then I got to watch the pieces crumble before me. I had to go to the doctor multiple times because of chest pain. I was literally having chest pains (probably becasue of all the crying I did,) But. You wanna know how they diagnosed it? 

Heartbreak.

Yep. 

I lost the best friend i'd ever had.

Looking back now, i'm glad it's over. I can officially say, i'm over it. i'm not over the pain, it hurts sometimes, I won't lie. I probably won't even completely forget it, BUT it's the most relieving thing ever to know that I have control of my own life now. My ex-fiance's family has no control over me now, and neither does he. I will never allow myself to be manipulated again. And p.s. I'm NOT the manipulator, I was the manipula-tee. and if there is any digression about that, I have a song that I can sing to you, about how awful it is being manipulated. It's my life. So don't try to control it, bee-otches.  

My sweet Grandmother also had a heart attack, so I lost two of my best friends. And when my Grandma died? The one person I wanted to be there for me, ran the other direction. 

January-February 

What's up rock bottom. You're looking pretty low today. January and February were my ultimate lows. I recieved the news that I was failing Theory II (again) AND German. Sweet. I was always the smart girl in high school. Ok, maybe not unbelievably smart, but I definitely did NOT fail any classes! I was in and out of the hospital because of my anemic flare ups. I also got the lovely pleasure of having food poisoning and kidney/bladder infections. My mom was injured from having the Christmas tree fall on top of her. It eventually threw out her back and we got the news that she's have to have thorasic back surgery. The dangerous kind, where they open you up from the front, break off a rib, deflate your lung, move your insides over, and go THROUGH the ventricular wall of your heart to operate. 

Yeah, i'd really be looking forward to being cut open after I got that news. 

Not.

I'd never been so homesick in my life. I moved to an apartment where I didn't really feel comfortable. My roomate was awesome, don't get me wrong. I love her very much. But I was Constantly surrounded by coffee, alcohol, and things that were extremely poisonous to me. I cried myself to sleep fifteen days out of the month. I was counting, because I didn't think things could get much worse. I was loosing my testimony, questioning my faith, and had zero desire to do anything but sleep.

March-May   

Things started looking up. It all started when my friend Philip, asked me to open a show for him. Suddenly, I had motivation. I started writing my music again, and I realized what I was missing out on. I realized how much I can express through my writing. As soon as I started writing, I felt better. I also started praying again, and realized how much the lord really does love me. 

I also rededicated myself to my singing in school AND my piano. I had neglected both of them, and just started to literally sing the hell out of things. I was going through hell, and realized the healing power that music has. Choir, saved my life. I know it may sound cliche, but the more I sang, the better I felt. Every day, I found myself excited to be in choir. Sometimes I would catch myself being moved by The Creation music and found myself wiping tears from my eyes. Bach was also no doubt inspired by God in my mind. The notes and the pieces that he formed together, are heaven like. Choir, literally. saved. my. life. It helped me stop feeling sorry for myself, which I think was the BIGGEST thing. (Luis would be proud.) It has changed me for the better.

I will always keep coming back to feel the magic that can be created in that inthermal, box elder bug infested room.    

I also want to give a shout out to Chopin and Beethoven. Beethoven allowed me to take out my anger with "The Tempest" until I didn't feel angry anymore. And Chopin made me realize that behind every nocturne and prelude, there is a beautiful love story waiting to be told. Sometimes the love stories are sad, but as I found out, that's how it goes :) I also realized the potential that I have as a pianist. I have rededicated myself to practicing, and Dr. Bond..I promise I will never neglect my practicing again. Why should I neglect it anyways, when all it does is reward me. 

Long story short, I moved out and  found the perfect place for me. I will soon be living with my bestfriend Aimee, who has made my life exciting and adventerous. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I got to a practice room. Here I am. Bearing the truth. It really works. 

And FINALLY. I don't know if this is the right man for me. I don't know if we're going to be together forever. But, Michael has changed my life for the better. I am tired of meeting a boy and claiming him to be "the one." so I won't anymore. For the moment, Michael completes me. He balances me out and keeps me sane. He motivates me, and I know that he cares. Having someone care, makes all the difference in the world.  Regardless of what happened, I have decided that he is a part of my fairytale. I don't know if he is the happy ending, or just some AWESOME person to help me along the way. I kinda have a thing for him though...so I kinda hope he is ;) but he treats me right. He wants me to succeed. And that, right there...is enough in my book. 

OH!! I am proud to announce that my mother survived her surgery, and is going just fine!

& thank you Brittany Nielson for reassuring me that I don't need to be married by the time i'm nineteen. I love you, Diva :)

  

Family Ties:

So. My most frequently asked question
 is how my family came to be. 

Yes, we are a little different age wise, but we still love each other very much. 

Hello Momsie and Popsicle!

Let me explain this whole situation to you. 

My Dad was married to a lady named Beth.

They had two little girls,

Erin & Ailene. 

They later split in life, 

and my dad happend to meet my AMAZING mother, Cindy!

My mom then went to Romania and adopted me!

My parents are 13 years apart.

My dad is currently 67

My mom is currently 54

My sisters are both 40.

So yes, 16 years seperatae my sisters and my mom!

Also: 20 years seperate me and my sisters.

But we love each other, soo much.

The point of this post: is that my older sister Erin is getting married.

She has been alone for 20 years, and she finally has met the man of her dreams.

Gerald is the most fantastic man ever.

 I am so happy I get to call him my brother in law :)

He really is the closest thing I have to a brother. 

August 8th 2011

I can't wait :)

the picture is small because of copy right's...

but their engagements are SO CUTE.

I took this one :) 

I'm really happy.

And I love my family.

Spring Break...

The most anticipated time of the year....

is here.

:)

what has it greeted with me so far?

this. 

instead of this.

(that was me last spring break)

icky, right?

oh well. welcome to Idaho!

spring will be here soon enough!

infact, there's only a FEW more weeks of school left.

& then i'm gonna be a junior!

I wanted to share with you some of my finest art work that i've been working on as of late:

hahaha. funny, right?

all my friends really do have crabs. 

we love our hermies. 

also.....

I am so incredibly blessed.

To have found this boy.

Michael. 

Is the most incredible boy i've ever met.

he has the best heart.

the sweetest spirit.

he cares about me, deeply,

as I care about him.

we've almost been together a month, 

so I figured it's safe to post this :)

we'll see what happens:)

haters.

I despise haters.
You know...the ones who sit around and talk about other people because they feel worthless.
especially & specifically...
the ones who don't have the guts to say it to my face.
TRUTHFULLY: GROW UP.
If you have a problem with me?
say it to my face.
don't go doing something completely immature-like
"blocking me on facebook" *BIG SCARY DEAL* .....and THEN talking nasty.
or FREAK out because of my past....even though they never truly gave me a chance to get to know me.
or start a rumor: because you feel insecure.
no. no. no. no.
if you're gonna talk about me? talk to me. that way, you won't end up looking like a big, stupid idiot in the end.
 I love how people decide to hate people...but never really know them anyways.
HONESTLY: 
the ones that matter? don't care.
the ones that don't care...don't matter.
so. this blog is for YOU. haters. reaching out to the few of you:
who have tried to make my life miserable the last few weeks.
karma will come around soon enough. & in the meantime...
I have this...

 and these guys:

so go ahead.
hate me.
you really don't matter to me.
I don't hate you--but I hate to see that you continue to make your life
miserable....(so freaking miserable...)
because you're so busy hating me.

love,
tonya

it hit me.

life.
GROWING UP.
it's hit me.
smack dab in the face.
You know how sometimes everything just wells up inside of you? Well.
I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom crying. feeling sorry for myself.
It just him me that i'm growing up.
I just realized that i'm halfway done with my college career.
I was supposed to be officially engaged this OCTOBER.
(If my ex hadn't completely shattered  my heart)
After this May, I will never be a teenager. Ever again. Weird, right?
some things: I will never get the chance to go back too.
these are a few of the memories I so desperately wish I could save.

                                               this was taken
                                               at my nieces graduation.
                                               she spent the night teaching jessica and me
                                               how to skate board.
                                               this weekend, was one of the most carefree,
                                                happy weekends.
                                               I would give anything to go back to this.

                                                   Kalee Beck and Davin Nebeker.
                                                   They made my senior year-the best.
                                                   Movie nights, random food runs...
                                                   I don't think the two of them will EVER understand.
                                                   How much I miss this.

                                                Ah. Yes. I'm sure you all knew this was coming.
                                                The unforgettable trio.
                                                 My two very best friends
                                                 in this entire universe.
                                                They both had my heart-
                                                which was BOUND to lead to problems.
                                                I think you'd have to truly know all of us to truly
                                                understand the bond we had.
                                                But, it's over.
                                                Things are shattered.
                                                Keith comes home this October,
                                                but I know he's not going to want
                                                anything
                                                to do with me.
                                                However, lost moments are rememberd in the heart.
                                               Always.

                                           Todd Wirkus. My very first "boyfriend."
                                           I loved him the first time I saw him.
                                           He's now married
                                           (to someone i'm not so fond of)
                                           But I hope he's happy.
                                           We were Todd & Copper.
                                           Best friends.
                                           His car got stolen with me one time...
                                           I can honestly say that i've
                                           never had so much fun with a boyfriend.

                                                    THE SUMMER OF BEING SEXY.
                                                    self explanitory :)

                                          Thanksgiving's with this girl.
                                          EVERY SINGLE YEAR we'd spend thanksgiving together.
                                          And when I say every single year.....
                                          I mean sixth grade till second year of college.
                                          She's still got my back.
                                          Even though she's married :)
                                          But I miss this. Desperately.

                                                 Dillon.
                                                 Some things, can never be fixed.
                                                 Strangely, i'm over this.
                                                 I'm not over the fact that I lost a friend.
                                                 My quote for this situation is:
                                                 "Never leave the person you love
                                                  for the person you like.
                                                  Because
                                                  the person you like,
                                                  will leave you for the person they love."
                                                  I was young.
                                                  Stupid.
                                                  But I learned a lot.
                                                  That doesn't change the fact that I messed up.
                                                  On a LOT of things.
                                                  But I miss my friend.
                                                  Not a day will ever go by,
                                                  that I wish we'd handled things differently.

                                           KENN AND LACY.
                                           My college girls.
                                           As a scared, timid freshman....
                                           you need girls like this.
                                           Lacy is now married.
                                           Kendall is moving to Washington.
                                           But we have had some EPIC times together.
                                           Late nights. Heart to hearts. Living together.
                                           These girls will always be so special to me.

Anyways. That's my soap box.
I've realized that I can't go back, no matter how hard I wish I could.
BUT
That is such inspiration for me to enjoy the things I have going on for me now.
Because I never know how long they're going to last.

and if you're wondering....I got up off the bathroom floor.


bathrooms are not for crying.
unless you stub your toe on the toilet. 


:)

I believe...

• My trials have made me a strong person.
• Love comes and goes, and someday it will last.
• Boys are complete opposites of women(:
• Family is always there.
• I will forever be a Daddy's girl.
• My mother will always be my hero.
• Sometimes burning bridges is a necessary thing.
• Classical music understands me, and I understand it.
• Piano is my first love, and will always be my first love.
• I will be okay. 
• the truth can sometimes hurt. 
• but
• it's better to be told the truth than lied too.

& sometimes...what looks like the end of the road, is the beginning of a beautiful new chapter.

Winter Update!

Christmas time is over. I must admit that my Christmas was fantastic! Something about being with my family, is so special. These are the cute snowmen that me and my mommy made together.....

we made 175 of them to be exact...and it was really fun :) she is so crafty. I love my mother! 

This Christmas I went to see the dancing light house with my friends. The house that hosted the lights went ALL out, and did a great job. I pretty much love Christmas lights, it's my favorite thing ever.

look how fantastic the house looks? It was synchronized to music and pretty much put us all in a trans. That's also the sunset on the way to see the lights...no editing was done to that picture. just plain Idaho beauty!

One of the best parts of my Holiday was having my cousins come from Hawaii. My cousin has two beautiful babies, one is a newborn, and one is two. Madison is the precious newborn, and Kayla is the talkative two year old. She is so entergetic, and loves me. It's girls like her that make me want children, NOW. 

here she is checking out my mom's village. Its a little winter wonderland for her :)

I love her. So much <3 

I need to point out a very important fact. I have never had a bunch of really close girlfriends I can count on. I've had a few that have stuck around, but they move, or most of them really come and go. It's been something that's been hard on me, but I think i've finally found a solution. Her name, Is Aimee Volmer. She is literally my other half. She makes me so happy, and we  do everything together!! We've been through the exact same relationships, and she understands me. I know it sounds like we're in a relationship, but haha we kid of are!! The bestfriend kind! She is so awesome.There is nothing left to say, besides the fact that she's honstely going to be my maid of honor when i get married in a few years..... :) oh, and I have REALLY relied so much on her the past four months. 

my new years was awesome. I had some friends get married in Rupert and got to travel there for their reception. It was beautiful, and I bawled all the way through it, of course. :) I got to spend time with my really good friend devin, and spent new years eve with his family watching movies like jurrassic park and war of the worlds...while making delicious smores and practicing my perfect picth (which really is perfect...not kidding. I even called his dad's electric toothbrush. Yeah, I felt pretty cool) :)

And...for the most exciting news. I have a boyfriend. I never thought I'd get over how incredibly crushed I was from my ex-fiance....but this boy right here has given me new hope. :) 

yes, thats skype.

his name is Cody Haley. 

we went to highschool together, and were bestfriends the whole way through.

ok--bestfriends meaning we would fight every day. 

but then we'd eat lunch together and make up. 

he's incredible.

words can't describe how happy he makes me....

AND.

he's flying me to texas to see him, next week :) 

yep. TEXAS.

88 degree weather.

I can't wait.

 he's awesome.

i'm so incredibly lucky.

we'll see what happens.....

& I'll keep you all posted.

<3 <3