Friday, November 11, 2011


how well you hide your pain.

I understand that the most beautiful rainbows...
come after the worst of storms. 

where is my rainbow?

I often wonder why God allows us to suffer so much. It almost seems unfair at times. I know he has a brilliant master plan up there somewhere, but I wish he'd just let me know that everything is gonna be okay.

what do I do:
when someone really important in your life, walks away instead of talks?
what do you do when she was your best friend?
and how the HELL do you deal with your best friend dating your ex boyfriend? and its not like he was just a "fling" either, or otherwise I wouldn't care.
This HURTS. How do I deal with this??? 
cause apparently I don't deal so well with it. 

how do I act:
when I'm so so so incredibly close to someone before his mission, and after the mission he throws me to the side of the road? what's worse than that, he won't even take the time of day to hear me out, even when I'd faithfully written him, sent him packages and spent so much time on my knees for him.  a simple "thank you so much. i'm so sorry you can't be in my life, cause you're such a terrible person." would have made me feel better than the silent treatment. how the heck do I deal with this? cause I REALLY have no clue.

how to I fix my heart:
when I suddenly realize that it's not my time to get married. I love david so much, and I really hope people understand that. There are so many reasons it wasn't gonna work out...and I had to do whats best for me. but how do I fix my heart when I keep stabbing it myself? How?

how do I sing:
when I don't want to sing? how do I play when I don't want to play? 
where has my spirit, drive, and deep passion for music gone?

when am I ever going to be good enough.

all these questions.
and the only answer is inside me.

but I don't even have the strength to find it.



  1. :( This post broke my heart. If you need to talk feel free to call.

  2. First of all...breathe girlie, just breathe. I have been there. I have had a heart so broken that I felt it was almost unrecognizable, and I have been in a tunnel so dark that I scrambled to find any semblance of light...

    Have faith, that is all you need. You don't need to have all the answers right now, just act upon the impressions you receive. If now isn't the time for you to get married, go with it- who knows what kinds of experiences await you that you would miss out on if you ignored this impression and you did- who knows what kind of heartache you would have had to suffer if you had chosen to go through with something that was so wrong.Who knows what kind of heartache you've spared both you and David by not pushing ahead with something that you felt couldn't be right.

    No one needs to know or understand your reasons- all they need to know is that you are trying to learn to be obedient and follow the spirit when you're directed to do something, and knowing you girl, that is exactly what you've been doing all along.

    Please don't allow yourself to suffer alone. Give me a call, I won't even give advice and even if all you do is cry the whole time we talk, well that is okay too.

    Feel your emotions girl- allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and work through it at your own pace.

    As far as people throwing you aside is concerned: its always tough when we dedicate ourselves to people and they shove us aside. My former best friend in Montana dated and MARRIED my ex, knowing full well how serious we had been and didn't even have the decency to tell me about it until they announced their engagement to the whole I've been there. I've also had friends I've dedicated myself to and done things for above and beyond the call of duty only to have them drop me all of a sudden- and this is the conclusion I've come to...

    Obviously these people do not value you or your efforts to make a solid relationship with you...ask yourself, do I really want or need people like this in my life? The answer should be a vehement NO!

    I decided that I would rather only have 1 or 2 really close friends than have a group of people that tolerate me and pretend to be my friends to my face while stabbing me in the back.

    Life is so short, and I believe it is meant to be a happy experience, we bring the crap on ourselves by pushing for something that isn't right or isn't there. So, stop pushing. Stick close to the TRUE friends that you have and remember that you aren't alone and you are loved no matter what decisions you make or where you end up. Allow yourself to be happy by purging your life of all the negative influences that you have bringing you down right now.

    As for not wanting to sing or play- you need that now more than ever. You probably don't want to because through singing and playing you have to channel emotions...singing and playing should be your safe zone. Channel what you are feeling and allow yourself to feel it in a safe place- through song. Its always been such a comfort to me to know that someone, somewhere, in the long expanse of time has felt exactly the way I am feeling, and they had the knowledge and ability to turn that emotion into music, into art that I can recreate to serve my own purposes. Pick your saddest song and sing it, allow yourself to feel the pain- its okay! That is when we truly become artists and that is when we can truly let go. Pick your happiest song and try to channel a time you felt that way- I promise you will start to feel better as you do these types of things.

    Know I love you girl, and I'm here if you need me.

  3. I am sorry you are having such a hard time, Tonya. I don't even know what to say. I wish you the very best.