Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Death Shall Not Destroy My Comfort.

Life's an interesting ride. People compare life to a roller coaster, but I think that's an understatement. Roller coasters are so predictable. Ups. Downs. Twists. Turns. But no roller coaster I have ever been on has the sudden drop offs that I have experienced in my life. The first one...being death.

My grandma passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. It was insanely unexpected, and she was young. She had a heart attack in Island Park. My Uncle did CPR on her for a half hour until the ambulance got there...but by the time they did it was too late. I loved my grandma very much. We were very close. The beauty of the gospel brings peace to alot of people, but my family is having such a hard time dealing with this. My grandma was sealed to her previous husband as is my grandpa to his previous wife. After fourty some odd years together, they're just supposed to be parted and be okay with the fact that they're going to be seperated for all eternity? That's tough! Especially here on this earth! I know things will all be worked out on the other side...but waiting for that? Is heartrenching and painful. My sisters got to come up for the funeral, which was the only nice thing about it.  

Not going to lie...I find it insanely ironic that someone has to die in order to get ALL of your familiy together. Shouldn't we be doing this while people are alive? So that when we take family pictures? Someone isn't missing? :( 

The second 'roller coaster' that life throws at you that people forget to meantion? Love. 
We had plans. Big plans. But...things don't always work out the way you want them too. Sometimes you do do stupid things, that screw up the rest of your life. Sometimes feelings and people get in the way of what you want. Sometimes promises are broken. Sometimes, It just can't be. Sometimes, things have been so messed up and shitty in the past, that there is just no way to fix it. Sometimes? Sometimes love isn't enough. I was always under the impression that if two people were in love? They could make it through anything. I'm sad to announce that it isn't the case. So...whats a person to do. Death. Love. Unrequited love. Disapointment. Shattered dreams. Broken promises. Piercing words. It's tough. Life is the hardest teacher. You get the test first and the lesson after. I've some of my closest friends and loved ones lately, and let me tell you, it's the hardest thing i've ever done. People that have claimed to "always be there" have abandoned me when i've needed it most. Also? Putting ALL your time and effort into one person? Can really screw you over when they decide to drop you...because you've got nothing left for you. Now I have to look back and not cry because its over...but smile because it happend. As of right now? Impossible to do. It's impossible not to cry when your so heartbroken. 

 The only thing that's been keeping my partially sane as of late?

my music.
people lie. people cheat. people hurt you. you came into this world with your family? and when you die? you end up with just your family. I think it would be awesome to be in Twighlight? (yes, i'm using this analogy *GASP*) You actually focus on things that YOU personally care about...because give it a couple decades and all the people that you knew and care about? are gone. So the lessons that i've learned as of late?

1. Don't waste your time on someone, because one day? You're gonna find someone who's willing to waste THEIR time on YOU. as it should be. relationships should be mutual. not one sided. 

2. People CHANGE. things aren't always going to be the same. hardest, hardest, HARDEST thing for me to grasp, but people move on and decide to go in different directions. It's not a bad thing...just a hard thing.

3. Death is insanely hard to deal with, but it's inevitable. The gospel helps me I just need to keep praying. 

4. Home? Is the most amazing place ever. That? Never changes.        

5. Hang on to the ones that DO love you. People come into your life. People leave. The ones that stay? Are meant to be. I've come to this amazing conclusion that people truly do come into your life when you need them too. If they leave? It's their time. I need to stop being angry at all the people that have left...because it's meant to be. And sometimes? Things like death, are a one way street. 

as for me..I guess I just need to keep praying, and holding on to hope. my lyrics honestly keep me alive. I've been recording a demo as of late...and it is honestly? the most healing process ever. These girls...have also been quite the comfort. 

I am blessed. And equally tried. Yet this is the bittersweet process...called life

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